do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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