I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
