while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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