Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
