Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize