I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
