you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
