There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Mom said you looked used
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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