someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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