Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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