You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
