i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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