There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
