I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
