Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
