in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize