I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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