Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
