im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
