Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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