White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
