Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
