The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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