you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
