Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
