I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
