I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
