Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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