who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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