That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
