hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
