If i come over, it means nothing
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
