Already got asked if we're dating
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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