who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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