I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
