I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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