He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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