I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
