I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
