Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
God I need to hump something, right now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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