I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
