My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
