i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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