New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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