I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
