Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
