I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
