Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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