thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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