Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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