I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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