if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize