So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
