I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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