Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
